EARLY WARNING SIGN #1: COMMITMENT DRIVEN.
This abuser claims
to have fallen “heads over heels in love” with you, suggests it was “love at
first site,” and believes you are soul mates. They will likely compare you to
their ex’s, claiming that they have never felt so at comfortable, so “right,” or
that they have never loved anyone as much as they love you. These individuals
may propose marriage within the first 6 months, might pressure you into engaging
in sex prematurely, and will fail to respect your boundaries and argue that your
boundaries are unnecessary because you are obviously “made for each other.”
Initially their professions of love are flattering, are intensely romantic, and
seemingly mirror a childhood ‘fairytale love story.’ But in reality, these
sentiments are only used so as to cloud your judgment, gain undo trust and
confidence, and aides in the abuser’s ability to manipulate and control you in
the future.
EARLY WARNING SIGN #2: DECEITFUL.
Minor deceit, or the
‘telling of white lies’ frequently occurs in the beginning stages of a
relationship. Even in healthy relationships, it is common for one to emphasis
their positive qualities while also minimizing shortcomings so as to appear more
“likable.” However, the abuser is blatantly deceptive in his portrayal of self
and because it bears little resemblance to reality, great conscious efforts is
expended in order to maintain their lies. The abuser is often
superficial. He will be preoccupied with acquiring status symbols (car,
boat, Rolex watch, et.); spends excessive time “perfecting” his image; craves
attention, praise and reassurance; appears be overly-confident and gloats about
his super-ambitious goals. Warning: the superficial abuser lacks empathy for
others and experiences limited emotional responses. If you question his
apathetic response, he will either blame his lack of expression on machismo,
avoid expressing emotion by giving lavishly, expensive gifts in their place, or
he may even demonstrate his talent for faking the desired response
#3: MINOR JEALOUSY.At first their jealous
behavior doesn’t seem excessive, so there is no immediate ‘red flag warning’
indicating a prevalence for controlling or possessive behaviors. In fact, even
though you notice he is uncomfortable with you talking to other men or even when
you engage in activities without him, you likely perceive his response as
“sweet,” or tangible proof of his devotion to you. Unfortunately, this minor
display of jealousy is only the tip of the iceberg for an abuser; it will
increase in intensity as the relationship progresses, and has the potential to
manifest into a lethal attack. According to Stosny (2008), “jealousy becomes dangerous once
it turns into obsession. The more we obsess about something, the more
imagination takes over, distorting reality and rational thinking. Jealousy is
the only naturally occurring emotion that can cause psychosis, which is the
inability to tell what is really happening from what is in your head.” When
their jealous behaviors are questioned, the abuser will claim that they are a
direct result of his genuine love and concern for you. But, excessive jealousy
is not a sign of love, rather it stems from his insecurities that suggest
he must control or possess you, in order to keep you.
#4: VICTIMIZED. What do you know about
his childhood? Did he experience abuse or neglect? If so, do these experiences
continue to have a negative impact him? An abusive childhood in and of itself
should not be considered a deal-breaker, however, if he uses his history of
abuse as an excuse for his poor attitude or for feeling a general sense of
resentment and entitlement; then this behavior should be on your radar.
Entitlement. Individuals with a sense of entitlement believe they
should receive special treatment or considerations not afforded to others. They
have an unjust sense of superiority and assume that their wants and needs are
more important than those of others. Believing that everyone “owes” them
preferential treatment; they often feel offended and/or disappointed when
special considerations are not made, and as result then feel they should be
compensated for their sub-par treatment. Stosny (2008) suggests, “After the glow of
infatuation wears off, the entitled person will regard his feelings and desires
as more important than yours. If you agree, you’ll get depressed. If you
disagree, you’ll get abused.”
Resentment. Individuals who feel like they have been or are currently
being unfairly treated are typically resentful of others. Although everyone
experiences incidents of unfairness in their life, he contends that no one has
helped them, or understood his needs, or taken his issues into consideration,
nor have they been bestowed with appropriate levels of praise, recognition, or
affection. Abusers tend to feel that they are not in control of their own lives,
are incapable of rising above maltreatment alone, and blame their past
mistreatment for all failures or areas of incompetence. Additionally, abusers
are so focused on themselves that they are incapable of considering others’
needs. If you find yourself in a relationship with a resentful individual, you
will spend considerable time reassuring, praising, and accommodating your
partner; and in return your resentful partner will surely be insensitive to your
needs, feelings or rights, and will leave you feel insignificant.
#5: LACKING CUPLABILITY. While presented
as an early warning sign, generally “blaming others” is also a red flag
behavior, whereas individuals who fail to take responsibility for their
emotions, behaviors, and/or life outcomes should be avoided at all costs because
of their destructive nature. It is likely that they also have endured an abusive
childhood, therefore tend to label themselves as a victim and blame past abuses
for current inappropriate acts or behaviors. There are two types of “blamers,
those who shift responsibility for their problems and those blame others for
their emotional response.
Blames Others for Problems. This individual appears to be attacked
constantly, punished unjustly, prevented from success, and repeatedly
victimized. They will almost never take responsibility for their problems, but
are insistent that someone else is at fault. As the relationship progresses, he
will eventually blame you as well for his mistakes, shortcomings and failures,
although these claims are without merit.
Blames Others for Emotions. He seems defensive all the time and
reactive to his perceived maltreatment. Clearly depressed or angry, he will
claim that he was “fine” until someone treated him unfairly by his or her words,
attitudes, or behaviors. As this relationship progresses, communication will
decrease; you will find yourself “pussy-footing” around him, fearful to say or
do things that will set him off; and you will spend considerable amounts of time
trying to make him happy. The abuser will claim that you alone are responsible
for maintaining his emotional well-being and happiness, and vise-versa will
blame you when he feels angry or depressed.
#6: SUPERIORITY. This individual has an
attitude of self-righteousness, truly believes that he is better than everyone
else, and will have no qualms telling you this. According to Stosny (2008) “potential abusers tend to have
hierarchical self-esteem, i.e. they need to feel better than someone else to
feel okay about themselves. They need to point out ways in which they are
smarter, more sensitive, or more talented than others. This, too, can be
seductive in dating, as he will point out ways in which you are superior, too.”
Predatory, hierarchical self-esteem has been considered the most abusive display
of superiority, whereas the abuser will intentionally attack others’
self-esteem, seeking to make others feel bad about themselves, and does this
solely to increase his self-esteem. Not surprisingly, he will maintain very
rigid, stereotypical sex roles. Eventually, he will refer to you using
derogatory female terms, insisting that ‘as a woman, you should know your
place.’ He feels you are inferior, will expect that you stay at home and forgo
any career aspirations. He will argue your ideals, insist that you assume
traditional roles, and/or use guilt to get you to agree with his point-of-view.
These behaviors are ALL highly predictive of an abusive personality.
#7: LONER. At first, it might appear that
he really enjoys spending time alone with you, or that values solitary and is
uncomfortable around others, or maybe it is just that he loves being one with
nature; but eventually you will want to get out and do something. The abuser’s
insistence to hang out alone only serves one purpose, he wants to isolate you
from the outside world because he is vested in keeping you all for himself. This
individual will either outright refuse or offered excuses as to why he cannot
meet your family or friends, but similarly he has not introduced you to his
friends either. He might question your motives for wanting to hang out with your
family or friends, or suggest that those closest to you are immoral and
potentially toxic to your relationship, and insists that you go everywhere
together (after all, that’s what you would do if you were truly committed to
him) but then rebuts all efforts to engage in outside social interaction. When
you talk of the future, he shares that he would like to live a minimalistic
lifestyle, in which: he would work, you will stay at home; own a small home out
in the country, the closet neighbor being miles away; possess only the basic
necessities, i.e. no phone, cable, internet, and survive with only one car.
WARNING: His fantasy life would completely isolate you from the outside world,
strip you of any resources, and place you squarely under his control.
#8: PETTINESS –or- HYPERSENSITIVITY.
Abusers tend to have low self-esteem, thus they are easily upset or
insulted. Also, he tends to make a big deal out of nothing, focus on
insignificant details or comments, and assume that any difference of opinion is
a direct personal attack on him. These abusers are highly inpatient, excessively
critical of others, and lack the ability to forgive others. He often claims that
you have ‘hurt’ him; even your smallest infractions cause him emotional pain.
While his petty attitudes and outrageous emotional responses seem unfounded, you
will eventually feel devalued and question your sensibilities; but of course,
you will often find yourself apologizing for things you may have said or done,
that he misinterpreted or blew out of proportion.
#9: CONTEMPTUOUS. He his always joking
around, or so he claims; but his “jokes” are ripe with malicious sarcasm and
condescending undertones. While his jokes, albeit poorly timed, seem genuinely
innocently intended; other times his hostility is as unmistakably purposeful.
When he is not poking ‘fun’ at others, his direct conversations will likely be
condescending, cruel or rude in nature. Importantly, listen to the way he talks
about his ex; does he become angry, call her names, or use insulting
descriptions in an effort to blame her for the demise of the relationship?
Considering these interactional patterns, understand that for now, these are
directed at others; but as the relationship progresses, you must realize that
the attacks will shift onto you.
#10: AGGRESIVENESS. The words ‘abuse’ and
‘relationship violence’ immediately conjures up mental images of physical
fights, bruises, cuts, broken furniture, et. We really have been cued into the
tangible aspects of relationship abuse, we recognize it when we see it; we can
identify it, when we hear it directed at someone. However, aggressive
individuals never end the first dating by punching her in the eye; instead these
behaviors manifest over time. Clearly, acts of aggression toward animals or
children or verbal assaults would be considered ‘red flag’ behaviors. However,
the abuser may act out his aggression's in other ways that will indicate his
abusive personality. Aggressive individuals often have little patience, can be
triggered into violent rages by minor frustrations, have a tendency to throw,
smash, or obliterate objects that irritate him. These aggressive behaviors will
likely present in regards to issues of intimacy, i.e. he will pressure you to
engage in acts that make you uncomfortable or use ‘playful force’ during sex. He
thoroughly enjoys being in control and likes it when you play the helpless
victim; unless all other areas of the relationship are in perfect balance, you
are dealing with a potential abuser.
While extensive, this list is certainly not exhaustive. The single most
important tool for identifying an abuser is YOU. You must listen to your inner
voice that tells you “something’s not right,” trust your instincts, and then act
upon them. Don’t look for alternative excuses or conjure up an argument for why
he exhibits such bad behavior; the reality is that he does, and has been, and
will continue to behave this way regardless of any alternative explanation you
might offer. Require more of yourself and more of a potential partner; do not
settle for someone that would cause you to be fearful, defensive, or diminished.
Understand that ‘if’ these abusive personality traits present at the beginning
of a relationship, they will be followed with dangerous levels of anger, hurt,
and resentment that will eventually be centered solely on you. Don’t take a
chance on the potential loser; Get Out, Get Safe, Get Strong!
Dating abuse is a pattern of destructive behaviors used to exert power and control over a dating partner.
While we define dating violence as a pattern, that doesn't mean the first instance of abuse is not dating violence. It just recognizes that dating violence usually involves a series of abusive behaviors over a course of time.
Warning Signs of Abuse
Because relationships exist on a spectrum, it can be hard to tell when a behavior crosses the line from healthy to unhealthy or even abusive. Use these warning signs of abuse to see if your relationship is going in the wrong direction:
• Checking your cell phone or email without permission
• Constantly putting you down
• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Explosive temper
• Isolating you from family or friends
• Making false accusations
• Mood swings
• Physically hurting you in any way
• Possessiveness
• Telling you what to do
Learn more about how unhealthy relationships work by exploring our power and control wheel at
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